its_april_bitch

Apparently I have a real problem remembering to set my phone back to sound instead of vibrate. Luckily my window was open and I could hear the garbage truck so I was able to get adam ready and on the bus.

The problem is I was supposed to get up at 530 to shower. That's a real problem with a pretty boy in the house. He has been in the shower for almost a half hour now...nevermind that he took one last night.

I'm gonna look like a greasy piece of bacon today...lovely. I really need to avoid this problem from now on by taking my shower before bed...i am super annoyed. Can't wait to see the water bill though...my brother will be just tickled I'm sure.

When things go down hill...they go down hill. Dean and I are history...to be honest, I wish I could erase the last 2 and a half years from my memory. He basically just told me that he was miserable for most of our relationship and it was hard for him to finally get out and now that he has he is trying to get on with his life. I asked him exactly how he is getting on with his life when he still calls me everyday. He says he is trying to be nice to me. I said why, so you can get sex and he blew up and said it had nothing to do with that. He basically blames it all on me, because soon after we began dating we were practically taking care of Adam. I thought I regretted that, but you know what, that little boy has deserved every bit of the attention I gave him.

It gets better. He rubbed it in my face that he still occasionally sees Roxana...and apparently they have conversations about me because he informed me that she doesn't think I am that bright. I said what is that supposed to me and he said well, she did go to college right out of high school. Don't worry, I didn't even take a breath before responding with, yeah well I was busy working, you know like a JOB...not that you can hold one. Oh and who was there for you every time you lost another job? Not Roxana, no...that was ME! He was all like oh yeah well I am doing just fine at my job now thank you. I said woop de do...its been a couple of months, just give it time. I have to say this is the first time we have ever taken jabs at each other like this, so I feel confident that there is no going back.

I told him he was selfish and had this sick sense of entitlement that turned people off. I think probably the most poignant thing I said to him, which spoke loads to me was when he said for all you know I am already seeing someone and I said yeah right, you may have a knack with ex girlfriends, but you are not the catch you think you are. He asked what I meant I was like you think you can just mosey along to greener pastures, but the truth is you have little to offer anyone. In saying all that TO him, I think it was sinking in for myself. I also told him that if he is seeing someone else then it brings me a great deal of pleasure to know that he cheated on them with me. He said that seeing someone isn't the same as being exclusive and I said maybe not but I am sure some girl wants to here you are getting it on with your ex. I told him he was always going to be a cheater and that was precisely why, despite what he thinks, I am not jumping up and down just dying to get back together with him...I may have been leaning towards it but I was still very hesitant and now there is just no way.

I ended up just hanging up on him. I have nothing left to say. It's hard because I feel hurt by things he said. At the same time, nothing he says to me shocks me anymore. Maybe I don't love him anymore, maybe I am just in love with the idea of being in love. I mean I know that he has nothing to offer me anymore and I don't feel like he deserves anything from me.

He is all about being friends. I don't know why people do that after a relationship. I mean I can understand if its a mutual decision where both people just aren't feeling it anymore, but when you know someone has invested their heart in you and you walk away from them, why do you think you get to be friends? I personally cannot be friends with someone who I don't trust or who I don't think has my back...that's why I have a total of like 2 friends in real life. I told him we were not friends and he said yes we are, we are not boyfriend and girlfriend so what are we...I said finished and hung up.

I wouldn't be surprised if he called me up in a few days wanting to hang out or something...I really hope he doesn't but if he does, the answer is no. There is no point. I am moving on...for real this time. You might read that and think how many times she can say that, but its different this time. He has basically rubbed it in my face that he doesn't give a damn about my feelings and there is no denying that.

I wish there was a way to not hear songs and think of him and cry or not have a random thought about him that makes me cry. I mean I feel okay right now...its probably the adrenaline from my anger still boiling, but I know there are gonna be triggers...how do I get past them? I mean honestly...what good times are there to remember...everything about our relationship was a lie. He was with me because he was not man enough to support and take care of himself. It wasn't until he worked for Panera that he thought he finally had it made and he could do it on his own and what happened...he got fired and had to go home to his mommy.

The truth is Dean is not a man...he is a boy. He will probably have girlfriends in the future but he will always be a manwhore. I tried to believe I could change him, but I couldn't. I gave him all the love a person could possibly give someone and it didn't matter a bit. Maybe some day, if Karma has her way, he will fall in love one day and want to spend forever with a girl and she will fuck him over like he has fucked over so many before me. Wow...that sounds bitter but I am entitled. In a way, i feel sorry for him because he had it all with me and he was too stupid to hold on to it.

I have finally left the hospital and I feel fine. Thanks to all the well wishers! Ill be staying with my grandparents tonight so I will post more in the next couple of days.

I shot these on my way home...after reading about the chemtrail conspiracy I have noticed this in the sky around the same time each day...just before sunset.

Dean an I talked again last night...but it really didn't make a difference. I was so stuck on him saying he couldn't be here for me right now and how selfish that was. I have always been there for him, every lost job, everytime he felt like a failure, no matter what I had on my own plate, I was always there telling him it would be okay, that it would get better. He says he feels numb. Then he says no matter how infuriated he gets with me or how aggrevating I can be he still can't tell me to fuck off. At one point he was babbling about stuff he had going on, that it was confusing and complicated, and he couldn't talk to me about it. I asked him if he still loved me and he said he didn't know, but then he backtracked and said he did and that I shouldn't have to ask because I knew he did. I told him it didn't feel like it. He said something about opportunities and that from now on he wanted to take opportunities when they came his way. I don't even know what that meant, he wouldn't elaborate. Does that mean other girls? Probably...whatever.

I can't deal with this. It feels like we are breaking up all over again. I woke up this morning and I guess things felt a little clearer. I sent him a text message that basically said "even though you didn't ask for it, I feel like you want space from me, so that's what I am gonna give you. No emails, texts, or phone calls from me. Good luck with work and whatever opportunities you take. I have no hard feelings, these things are just a part of life." So then I pulled myself out of bed and did those things that can sometimes be the hardest to do because it makes everything feel so final. I deleted him from myspace...from facebook...from my e-mail contacts...and even from my phone.

I probably need him more now than I ever have in my life but he has made the choice not to be there. That has really opened my eyes. If he loved me, like he said he would be here for me now and he would have been there before.

The next 8 or so months will probably be the toughest of my life but despite my pessimistic demeaner, I do feel like things will be better once I graduate and get a job and get my own apartment....essentially, once I gain back my independence.

I don't understand why it is that on school nights I can stay up half the night but then nights like this where I have the day off tomorrow I can barely keep my eyes open.

This might sound weird but has anyone ever heard of the conspiracy over something called chemtrails? You can search youtube and find tons of videos explaining the different theories and others say the believers are nutjobs. I was watching the videos purely for entertainment and then the last two days have seen planes in the sky making weird patterns and stuff so it freaks me out a little thinking about these videos and what some people believe is going on.

anyway I'm pooped and have decided to go to bed even if it is kinda early for me. Goodnight!